My Lawn has Alopecia

by F.

And so do I.

But first, my lawn.


God, it’s so sad. How must my lawn feel when all the other lawns in the neighborhood have healthy growth? We tried. I mean, we did sod. We water the hell out of it. And still, he came out patchy. Oh, the humiliation.

Maybe he takes after me. Cuz I have it to. Yeah. It looks pretty weird, and I thought I had some sort of disease at first. I went to the doctor, who sent me to the dermo. He took one look at me and said, “Alopecia.”

“Which means, like, ‘you have no hair’ in Latin, right?”
“Anything I can do?”
“We can give you cortisone shots, which may work. But it thins the skin.”

I decided to do nothing about it. But it’s been hard. For a while, I shaved obsessively, trying to mask the bald spots. But, as we all know, men’s skin is slightly blue where the beard comes in. So you notice those patchy spots even when you shave. Even when you shave with the Mach 5.


I’ve always wondered about men with patchy beards. I never had a Middle East sort of beard, like some of my friends. But mine was decent. Now I’m downright Che. I’m patchy as hell.

I’ve dealt with it. Me and the lawn now have something in common. We’re gonna start a revolution in Latin America.