Lessons from Dad

by F.

Here is some more wisdom from our family. In this case, I’ve drawn exclusively on my own memories, and so my sister and our family pets bear no responsibility for the following. The onus is entirely on me.

You can fix it yourself. It doesn’t have to work perfectly. Or even work at all. I mean, it didn’t work to begin with, did it?

Exercise every day. The stranger the exercise, the better. Lifting grapefruits is a good one.

Take your time. There’s no rush.

Marry someone you don’t get along with. Or don’t know that well. Then have kids. Immediately.

If you keep track of all the parts, you can put it back together, though you may discover some of those parts weren’t really needed.

Don’t get upset. It only makes it worse. Suppressing your emotions works better.

Don’t drink. But if you do, get wasted and puke on the picnic table.

Try not to talk much. Mmm. Mm.

Intermezzo! Go out into the lobby, walk around, buy a cookie. Watch the line into the bathroom getting smaller and smaller. Oh! There are the bells. We better get back.

Eat granola. But only home made. Then hide it in plastic baggies around the house.

Don’t wear your nice clothes. Save them. Then die.

Work long hours so you won’t have to see with your family.

There’s nothing wrong with farting, as long as no one hears it.

Steal stuff. When possible.

Hide food around the house. Especially candy.

Smoking isn’t enjoyable.

OK, that last one is, technically, truly a piece of wisdom. See how evenhanded I’m being? I’m not bitter. I’m not.

What others think doesn’t matter.

Do something for those less fortunate. It makes you feel less bad-off in comparison.

Hold on to your unrealistic dreams. Even when they can’t be achieved. Don’t bother revising them so they’ll be achievable.


Make stuff.

Passive aggression is more useful than physical aggression. And you can’t go to jail for it.

Don’t cultivate friendships.

Get away from your parents as fast as you can. And stay away.

Life isn’t fair.