Lucy’s Child

by F.

According to the BBC, “[t]he 3.3-million-year-old fossilised remains of a human-like child have been unearthed in Ethiopia’s Dikika region.” (Psych!) Moreover,

Professor Fred Spoor of University College London said the find would give scientists a “detailed insight into how our distant relatives grew up and behaved… at a time of human evolution when they looked a good deal more like bipedal chimpanzees than like us.”

That’s, like, a long time ago. Who cares? Well,

“In my opinion, afarensis is a very good transitional species for what was before four million years ago and what came after three million years,” Dr Alemseged told BBC science correspondent Pallab Ghosh.

What did “we” look like 4 million years ago? I was drunk at the time and seem to have blacked out, but luckily there’s this fossilization thing that happens, from which we can tell that:

This early ancestor possessed primitive teeth and a small brain but it stood upright and walked on two feet. There is considerable argument about whether the Dikika girl could also climb trees like an ape.

Of course, I’m not sure this is plausible. It seems incompatible with my religious beliefs: like many right-minded folks, I’ve become a Pastafarian.