My Cat is Farting

by F.

In my experience, cat’s don’t fart. Or, if they do, they are discreet about it. They go outside or meow loudly to conceal the sound or do it when you’re not around. Now, I know better.

Our cat likes grass, but since it’s winter and she doesn’t like to go outside when it’s less than 70 degrees and sunny, we bought her a little box of organic grass at Whole Foods. It was something like $2.95 but, of course, we bought it anyway, brought it home, and put it in the sink, where she likes to sit now. (Don’t ask.)

Anyway, that night we’re sitting here reading the paper and I get accused of farting. “Me?” I said to my wife. “Yes—you totally farted.” “I did not!” “Well who did?” I looked around the room. There seemed to be only two of us, even when I counted a second time. “Uh…” and then I looked at the cat. No—that couldn’t be it. “I don’t know,” I said, “but I did not fart.” So we go back to reading the paper and there’s this faint rumble from the other side of the living room. And just then, the cat readjusts herself on her cushion, leading to the inexorable conclusion that Grass + Cat = Catfarts.

Beware.

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