On Political Titles

by F.

What’s a person to do? Liberals are nuts on the economy; conservatives are hypocrites obsessed with morality:

Here’s a summary of Gingrich’s family life:

1) Gingrich marries his high school teacher, Jackie, who was seven years his senior;

2) Jackie puts Gingrich through college and she works hard to get him elected to the House in 1978 (Gingrich won partly because his campaign claimed that his Democratic opponent would neglect her family if elected — at that time it was common knowledge that Gingrich was straying);

3) Shortly after being elected, Gingrich separated from his wife — announcing the separation in the hospital room where Jackie was recovering from cancer surgery (the divorce was final in 1981); Jackie Gingrich and her children had to depend on alms from her church because Gingrich didn’t pay any child support; 3) Six months after the divorce, Gingrich, then 38, married Marianne Ginther, 30;

4) “In May 1999, however, Gingrich [55] called Marianne [48] at her mother’s home. After wishing the 84-year-old matriarch happy birthday, he told Marianne that he wanted a divorce.” This was eight months after Marianne was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis;

5) In 2000, Gingrich, 57, married ex-congressional aide Callista Bisek, 34, with whom he was having a relationship while married to Marianne.

And the political “name space” is almost exhausted. Even “libertarian” and “classic liberal” are tarnished by association with ideologues and moralists. Possible solutions:

  • Liberative
  • Conserveral
  • Demopublican
  • Republocrat
  • Libertariocratervative

This last is pronounced “lib-er-tare-ee-o-crat-er-va-tive.”