How to Predict the Future

by F.

How can you predict the future? Make it happen.

Sure, stock prices follow a random walk. But don’t let that stop you. Become Jim Cramer.

Get a TV show with millions of viewers. Then choose some arbitrary stock in a popular, sexy sector. Web 2.0. Internet video. Whatever. Buy some shares of the stock, or buy an option to buy some shares. Then get on the air and pimp the stock. Throw chairs. Talk really fast. Drop names. Act like a fool.

The fools in the audience will go to their E-Trade accounts and push the price up. Keep the hysteria going. And going. And going. Then, after these noise traders have increased the value of your holdings or options, sell. Make some money. Put it in a safe investment, like treasuries.

Repeat as necessary until you recoup all the money you lost in your hedge fund. Then write a book about how brilliant your predictions are.